Howard frightened me last week, but on Monday I wondered if I’d over-reacted as he joked with the Office Manager about replacing me with digital voice recognition. He’s all for battery operated machines replacing humans. Then he thanked my sex life for giving him the idea.
Later, Howard phoned to say he’d put two packets of paracetamol in his top drawer in case I felt low. The Office Manager said to ignore him. “Let it go in one ear and out the other.”
He asked colleagues if they’d mind chipping in to the spring/summer floral bouquet he’s planning for my funeral. He knows what he’s going to write on the card. “In death she remains as she lived – entirely alone.”
It was relentless.
Yesterday was a new low. Having drew a picture of me naked, being menaced by a shark (him) and saying “Help, help – I’m a vulnerable person”. Then he added a penis to the picture of me, before tearing it to shreds and putting it in the bin. I don’t know why, but I couldn’t forget it. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. It’s terrible, but last night I was consumed with thoughts of suicide. I couldn’t stop crying. Desperate, I phoned The Samaritans.
They listened while I cried myself out. They tried to help me see some hope beyond the exhaustion and depression. They gave me a few ideas to help me relax. When I calmed down I decided I had no option but to quit. I’d find a temporary shop job until secretarial work picked up. If I was lucky, I wouldn’t lose my home.
I handed my notice this morning. On my way to a meeting with Howard to explain why, the Office Manager warned with the CVs coming in every day, I was better off staying where I was.
We had our meeting. Howard said sorry for his insults, especially those he’d made that morning before realising I’d quit. He admitted he had no right to tell the new temp that I couldn’t afford a car and my ex-husband was right to get shot of me the way he did. He didn’t know why he said these things. He promised he’d try and stop if I’d stay. He’d also speed up the pay rise and the promotion to legal assistant he’d told me about last week. Everything would be alright.
The Office Manager was delighted when he confirmed I’d be staying and said I mustn’t take any notice of his insults. “I told you,” she said. “Let it go in one ear and out the other.”
I wanted to ask why it had to go ‘in one ear’ in the first place. Five minutes later, Howard sent me an e-mail saying, “You are now going to be sitting opposite me.”
The shark image floated up again.
“This’ll be good for you,” he said as he signed his post. “You should be very grateful. You’re only underachieving because you’re ugly. Pretty people get a hand up the ladder. It’s your face that’s been keeping you at blue collar.”
“Is that so?” I said, exhausted.
“You also have BO.”
So much for him trying to change. Too tired to think - I was defeated. I looked at my new desk across from his knowing there’d be no-one to overhear. I’d be alone. He could say anything.
“You’ll have to stop thinking like a secretary too. You’ve got to start thinking more like a fee earner. Maybe one day, you’ll have your own Dictaphone.”
“Sorry?” I said, waking up.
“Your own Dictaphone?” He showed me his hand held recorder. “At some point you might be dictating for an ugly secretary of your own.”
I’m popping into town this weekend to buy a Dictaphone. The one I want is £40 in Argos. I don't know why I didn't think of it sooner.
See you soon,
Eva x
1 comment:
could not read that and pass by on the other side of the road..
Because you are decent..you believed he could show a shred of decency and were willing to give it a chance and believe him.
Love how you could take the positive that you would get the dictaphone to move onwards..wonder if later it was seen a sadmissible evidence.
Horrific that someone can bring someone decent down to that extent..Its bound to stick in your subconscious being so relentless however much your ignore it. remember how Tim said we get convinced by that grain if truth..our own perception that we are not good or pretty enough exploited..
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